Borrowed from the "Neat Pictures" thread at the Hero Games Discussion Boards.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
For the Tatooine Crime Lord who Has Everything
Merry Christmas, Jabba.
Borrowed from the "Neat Pictures" thread at the Hero Games Discussion Boards.
Borrowed from the "Neat Pictures" thread at the Hero Games Discussion Boards.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
These are the Voyages . . .
The first images of the new Enterprise for the upcoming ST movie have officially made it to the web. ST geeks have already started complaining about the design. I've already read everything from "This looks NOTHING like the Enterprise. JJ Abrams is a hack" to "The warp nacelles look 10 meters too long." And that's just the start. I mean, really, do ST fans want anything other than repeats for all eternity? I'm a huge ST fan and I think the redesign looks smashing. Yes, there are some differences from the original ship. This is supposed to be an updated, yet true to form, version of the original. I swear, some fans won't be satisfied until Shatner is back in the Captain's chair. Get a life, geeks!
Thoughts?
Thoughts?
Friday, October 31, 2008
Halloween Heroine!
In honor of the holiday, I present yet another heroine.
She appears only one night each year. But on Halloween night she helps protect the children as they make their way from house to house, and prevents those with mischief on their minds from spoiling the holiday for anyone. She is . . .
. . . Candy Corn Girl!
Happy Halloween, everyone!
She appears only one night each year. But on Halloween night she helps protect the children as they make their way from house to house, and prevents those with mischief on their minds from spoiling the holiday for anyone. She is . . .
. . . Candy Corn Girl!
Happy Halloween, everyone!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
You Betcha!
Your result for The RPG Class Test...
Smart Paladin
59% Combativeness, 20% Sneakiness, 71% Intellect, 78% Spirituality
Valorous! Noble! Or possibly just a self-righteous jerk (but with the brains to keep you alive!)... You are a Smart Paladin!
Paladins are holy warriors. They are valorous defenders of the light. Unfortunately, most of them are so ardent in their defense they tend to meet sticky ends faster than you can say "rampaging red dragon." Many people look up to Paladins, while others just consider them stuck up, overbearing, or self-righteous.
Fortunately for you, unlike most Paladins, you're pretty smart. Which means that you're more likely to fall into the "admired" category, rather than the "obnoxious" or "dead" categories.
Much like the crusades, you manage to combine violence and religion, though unlike the crusades, you add a healthy does of intelligence. You may be a staunch defender of the faith, a valorous champion of the weak, or the stuff that jihads are made of. Which ever one you are, just be happy that you've got the smarts to back it up and make it work.
Paladins are holy warriors. They are valorous defenders of the light. Unfortunately, most of them are so ardent in their defense they tend to meet sticky ends faster than you can say "rampaging red dragon." Many people look up to Paladins, while others just consider them stuck up, overbearing, or self-righteous.
Fortunately for you, unlike most Paladins, you're pretty smart. Which means that you're more likely to fall into the "admired" category, rather than the "obnoxious" or "dead" categories.
Much like the crusades, you manage to combine violence and religion, though unlike the crusades, you add a healthy does of intelligence. You may be a staunch defender of the faith, a valorous champion of the weak, or the stuff that jihads are made of. Which ever one you are, just be happy that you've got the smarts to back it up and make it work.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Revenge of the Brick!
We watched Star Wars - Clone Wars, Vol. 2 last night. This was in the Special Features on the DVD.
Great stuff, especially Obi-Wan avoiding the missiles and the photo in the cantina at the end.
Great stuff, especially Obi-Wan avoiding the missiles and the photo in the cantina at the end.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Mr. Monk
I Am A: Lawful Neutral Human Monk(6th Level)
Ability Scores:
Strength-14
Dexterity-15
Constitution-14
Intelligence-17
Wisdom-12
Charisma-19
Alignment:
Lawful Neutral A lawful neutral character acts as law, tradition, or a personal code directs him. Order and organization are paramount to him. He may believe in personal order and live by a code or standard, or he may believe in order for all and favor a strong, organized government. Lawful neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you are reliable and honorable without being a zealot. However, lawful neutral can be a dangerous alignment because it seeks to eliminate all freedom, choice, and diversity in society.
Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.
Class:
Monks are versatile warriors skilled at fighting without weapons or armor. Good-aligned monks serve as protectors of the people, while evil monks make ideal spies and assassins. Though they don't cast spells, monks channel a subtle energy, called ki. This energy allows them to perform amazing feats, such as healing themselves, catching arrows in flight, and dodging blows with lightning speed. Their mundane and ki-based abilities grow with experience, granting them more power over themselves and their environment. Monks suffer unique penalties to their abilities if they wear armor, as doing so violates their rigid oath. A monk wearing armor loses their Wisdom and level based armor class bonuses, their movement speed, and their additional unarmed attacks per round.
Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)
Detailed Results:
Alignment:
Lawful Good ----- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (20)
Neutral Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (18)
Chaotic Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (16)
Lawful Neutral -- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (24)
True Neutral ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (22)
Chaotic Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (20)
Lawful Evil ----- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Neutral Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Chaotic Evil ---- XXXXXXXX (8)
Law & Chaos:
Law ----- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Neutral - XXXXXXXX (8)
Chaos --- XXXXXX (6)
Good & Evil:
Good ---- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Evil ---- XX (2)
Race:
Human ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Dwarf ---- XXXX (4)
Elf ------ XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Gnome ---- XXXXXXXX (8)
Halfling - XXXXXXXX (8)
Half-Elf - XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Half-Orc - (-2)
Class:
Barbarian - (-25)
Bard ------ (-21)
Cleric ---- (0)
Druid ----- (0)
Fighter --- (-2)
Monk ------ XXXXXX (6)
Paladin --- (-23)
Ranger ---- (-4)
Rogue ----- (0)
Sorcerer -- XX (2)
Wizard ---- XXXX (4)
Ability Scores:
Strength-14
Dexterity-15
Constitution-14
Intelligence-17
Wisdom-12
Charisma-19
Alignment:
Lawful Neutral A lawful neutral character acts as law, tradition, or a personal code directs him. Order and organization are paramount to him. He may believe in personal order and live by a code or standard, or he may believe in order for all and favor a strong, organized government. Lawful neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you are reliable and honorable without being a zealot. However, lawful neutral can be a dangerous alignment because it seeks to eliminate all freedom, choice, and diversity in society.
Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.
Class:
Monks are versatile warriors skilled at fighting without weapons or armor. Good-aligned monks serve as protectors of the people, while evil monks make ideal spies and assassins. Though they don't cast spells, monks channel a subtle energy, called ki. This energy allows them to perform amazing feats, such as healing themselves, catching arrows in flight, and dodging blows with lightning speed. Their mundane and ki-based abilities grow with experience, granting them more power over themselves and their environment. Monks suffer unique penalties to their abilities if they wear armor, as doing so violates their rigid oath. A monk wearing armor loses their Wisdom and level based armor class bonuses, their movement speed, and their additional unarmed attacks per round.
Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)
Detailed Results:
Alignment:
Lawful Good ----- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (20)
Neutral Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (18)
Chaotic Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (16)
Lawful Neutral -- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (24)
True Neutral ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (22)
Chaotic Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (20)
Lawful Evil ----- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Neutral Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Chaotic Evil ---- XXXXXXXX (8)
Law & Chaos:
Law ----- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Neutral - XXXXXXXX (8)
Chaos --- XXXXXX (6)
Good & Evil:
Good ---- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Evil ---- XX (2)
Race:
Human ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Dwarf ---- XXXX (4)
Elf ------ XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Gnome ---- XXXXXXXX (8)
Halfling - XXXXXXXX (8)
Half-Elf - XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Half-Orc - (-2)
Class:
Barbarian - (-25)
Bard ------ (-21)
Cleric ---- (0)
Druid ----- (0)
Fighter --- (-2)
Monk ------ XXXXXX (6)
Paladin --- (-23)
Ranger ---- (-4)
Rogue ----- (0)
Sorcerer -- XX (2)
Wizard ---- XXXX (4)
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Just a Fantasy
I Am A: Lawful Good Elf Cleric (5th Level)
Ability Scores:
Strength-13
Dexterity-11
Constitution-10
Intelligence-16
Wisdom-13
Charisma-15
Alignment:
Lawful Good A lawful good character acts as a good person is expected or required to act. He combines a commitment to oppose evil with the discipline to fight relentlessly. He tells the truth, keeps his word, helps those in need, and speaks out against injustice. A lawful good character hates to see the guilty go unpunished. Lawful good is the best alignment you can be because it combines honor and compassion. However, lawful good can be a dangerous alignment because it restricts freedom and criminalizes self-interest.
Race:
Elves are known for their poetry, song, and magical arts, but when danger threatens they show great skill with weapons and strategy. Elves can live to be over 700 years old and, by human standards, are slow to make friends and enemies, and even slower to forget them. Elves are slim and stand 4.5 to 5.5 feet tall. They have no facial or body hair, prefer comfortable clothes, and possess unearthly grace. Many others races find them hauntingly beautiful.
Class:
Clerics act as intermediaries between the earthly and the divine (or infernal) worlds. A good cleric helps those in need, while an evil cleric seeks to spread his patron's vision of evil across the world. All clerics can heal wounds and bring people back from the brink of death, and powerful clerics can even raise the dead. Likewise, all clerics have authority over undead creatures, and they can turn away or even destroy these creatures. Clerics are trained in the use of simple weapons, and can use all forms of armor and shields without penalty, since armor does not interfere with the casting of divine spells. In addition to his normal complement of spells, every cleric chooses to focus on two of his deity's domains. These domains grants the cleric special powers, and give him access to spells that he might otherwise never learn. A cleric's Wisdom score should be high, since this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.
Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)
Detailed Results:
Alignment:
Lawful Good ----- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (26)
Neutral Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (23)
Chaotic Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (17)
Lawful Neutral -- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (24)
True Neutral ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (21)
Chaotic Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (15)
Lawful Evil ----- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Neutral Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Chaotic Evil ---- XXXX (4)
Law & Chaos:
Law ----- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXX (9)
Chaos --- XXX (3)
Good & Evil:
Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Evil ---- X (1)
Race:
Human ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Dwarf ---- XXXXXXXX (8)
Elf ------ XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Gnome ---- XXXXXX (6)
Halfling - XXXXXX (6)
Half-Elf - XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Half-Orc - XXXXXX (6)
Class:
Barbarian - (-27)
Bard ------ (-23)
Cleric ---- XXXXXX (6)
Druid ----- (-23)
Fighter --- (-2)
Monk ------ XXXX (4)
Paladin --- XXXX (4)
Ranger ---- XXXX (4)
Rogue ----- (-10)
Sorcerer -- XXXX (4)
Wizard ---- (0)
Ability Scores:
Strength-13
Dexterity-11
Constitution-10
Intelligence-16
Wisdom-13
Charisma-15
Alignment:
Lawful Good A lawful good character acts as a good person is expected or required to act. He combines a commitment to oppose evil with the discipline to fight relentlessly. He tells the truth, keeps his word, helps those in need, and speaks out against injustice. A lawful good character hates to see the guilty go unpunished. Lawful good is the best alignment you can be because it combines honor and compassion. However, lawful good can be a dangerous alignment because it restricts freedom and criminalizes self-interest.
Race:
Elves are known for their poetry, song, and magical arts, but when danger threatens they show great skill with weapons and strategy. Elves can live to be over 700 years old and, by human standards, are slow to make friends and enemies, and even slower to forget them. Elves are slim and stand 4.5 to 5.5 feet tall. They have no facial or body hair, prefer comfortable clothes, and possess unearthly grace. Many others races find them hauntingly beautiful.
Class:
Clerics act as intermediaries between the earthly and the divine (or infernal) worlds. A good cleric helps those in need, while an evil cleric seeks to spread his patron's vision of evil across the world. All clerics can heal wounds and bring people back from the brink of death, and powerful clerics can even raise the dead. Likewise, all clerics have authority over undead creatures, and they can turn away or even destroy these creatures. Clerics are trained in the use of simple weapons, and can use all forms of armor and shields without penalty, since armor does not interfere with the casting of divine spells. In addition to his normal complement of spells, every cleric chooses to focus on two of his deity's domains. These domains grants the cleric special powers, and give him access to spells that he might otherwise never learn. A cleric's Wisdom score should be high, since this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.
Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)
Detailed Results:
Alignment:
Lawful Good ----- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (26)
Neutral Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (23)
Chaotic Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (17)
Lawful Neutral -- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (24)
True Neutral ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (21)
Chaotic Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (15)
Lawful Evil ----- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Neutral Evil ---- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Chaotic Evil ---- XXXX (4)
Law & Chaos:
Law ----- XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXX (9)
Chaos --- XXX (3)
Good & Evil:
Good ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Neutral - XXXXXXXXXXXX (12)
Evil ---- X (1)
Race:
Human ---- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Dwarf ---- XXXXXXXX (8)
Elf ------ XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Gnome ---- XXXXXX (6)
Halfling - XXXXXX (6)
Half-Elf - XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Half-Orc - XXXXXX (6)
Class:
Barbarian - (-27)
Bard ------ (-23)
Cleric ---- XXXXXX (6)
Druid ----- (-23)
Fighter --- (-2)
Monk ------ XXXX (4)
Paladin --- XXXX (4)
Ranger ---- XXXX (4)
Rogue ----- (-10)
Sorcerer -- XXXX (4)
Wizard ---- (0)
Monday, July 14, 2008
A New Hero
Three days ago, he'd been investigating a fellow Representative in Pierre for corruption. He'd been warned that this senior member of the State Legislature had powerful friends, but he knew the man was engaged in improper (and probably illegal) conduct. A lot of people stood to lose everything they had if something wasn't done. So he decided to do something.
That was three days ago. Since then, he'd awakened deep in the Black Hills with no food, no water, and no protection from the harsh summer heat. Since then he'd wandered, searching in vain for any signs of civilization or aid. He knew his strength would fail him sooner or later—probably sooner. He pressed on, hungry, thirsty, and delirious.
"You don't look so good, friend."
He looked up and saw a man—tall, dark, and serene. He could hardly speak. "Wh...what?"
"I said you don't look so good."
He couldn't believe it. After three days, finally he had a glimmer of hope. Or maybe it was just a mirage. But the stranger looked real. "Water? Do you have water?"
The other pointed. "There's a stream about 20 yards away, behind those rocks."
He stumbled, in a daze, to the brook. He first wet his parched lips, then sipped, then drank deeply of the cold, clear water. He could feel his strength starting to return.
"Where am I?"
"On the back side of the big mountain. The one with the faces."
Almost 200 miles away, he realized. There wasn't much time.
"I need to get back to Pierre," he told his benefactor.
"Why?"
"Because somebody's going to do something bad, something that's going to hurt a lot of people. I have to stop him."
"Ah, the land bill. I see."
He couldn't help but stare. "How....?"
"I am the land," he said simply.
He didn't know what to think of the strange man's words, but he had no one else to turn to. "Can you help me?"
"You revere this place," his new friend said. "Tell me why. Tell me about the men on the mountain."
He looked up to see the familiar faces of Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, and Lincoln looking down on him. He couldn't understand it. Hadn't his friend just said they were behind the mountain?
"They...they were great men. Men who cared about people. About freedom."
"Men like you."
He was amazed. "I...I don't think of myself that way. They were heroes. I'm just an ordinary man. I'm not like them."
"But you try to be."
"Well, yes, I do. I look up to them. I try to learn from their examples. I want to be the kind of man they were."
"Then you will be. You will have the strength of will of George Washington, the wisdom of Thomas Jefferson, the vigor of Theodore Roosevelt, and the courage of Abraham Lincoln. You will be as strong and swift as four men. You will stand as a defender of this land and its people. For as long as you desire for this land and its people to be free, you will have these gifts. Now, go, with my blessing." And the dark stranger faded from his view.
Two hours later, he stood upon the steps of the State Capital. He had a land bill to defeat.
Story and image by Michael. Image created with Fábrica de Heróis.
That was three days ago. Since then, he'd awakened deep in the Black Hills with no food, no water, and no protection from the harsh summer heat. Since then he'd wandered, searching in vain for any signs of civilization or aid. He knew his strength would fail him sooner or later—probably sooner. He pressed on, hungry, thirsty, and delirious.
"You don't look so good, friend."
He looked up and saw a man—tall, dark, and serene. He could hardly speak. "Wh...what?"
"I said you don't look so good."
He couldn't believe it. After three days, finally he had a glimmer of hope. Or maybe it was just a mirage. But the stranger looked real. "Water? Do you have water?"
The other pointed. "There's a stream about 20 yards away, behind those rocks."
He stumbled, in a daze, to the brook. He first wet his parched lips, then sipped, then drank deeply of the cold, clear water. He could feel his strength starting to return.
"Where am I?"
"On the back side of the big mountain. The one with the faces."
Almost 200 miles away, he realized. There wasn't much time.
"I need to get back to Pierre," he told his benefactor.
"Why?"
"Because somebody's going to do something bad, something that's going to hurt a lot of people. I have to stop him."
"Ah, the land bill. I see."
He couldn't help but stare. "How....?"
"I am the land," he said simply.
He didn't know what to think of the strange man's words, but he had no one else to turn to. "Can you help me?"
"You revere this place," his new friend said. "Tell me why. Tell me about the men on the mountain."
He looked up to see the familiar faces of Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, and Lincoln looking down on him. He couldn't understand it. Hadn't his friend just said they were behind the mountain?
"They...they were great men. Men who cared about people. About freedom."
"Men like you."
He was amazed. "I...I don't think of myself that way. They were heroes. I'm just an ordinary man. I'm not like them."
"But you try to be."
"Well, yes, I do. I look up to them. I try to learn from their examples. I want to be the kind of man they were."
"Then you will be. You will have the strength of will of George Washington, the wisdom of Thomas Jefferson, the vigor of Theodore Roosevelt, and the courage of Abraham Lincoln. You will be as strong and swift as four men. You will stand as a defender of this land and its people. For as long as you desire for this land and its people to be free, you will have these gifts. Now, go, with my blessing." And the dark stranger faded from his view.
Two hours later, he stood upon the steps of the State Capital. He had a land bill to defeat.
Story and image by Michael. Image created with Fábrica de Heróis.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Cooking and RPGs
This article came up on the Hero Discussion Boards. The commentary has naturally been as amusing as the article itself.
Killjoy Cooking With the Dungeons & Dragons Crowd
To quote from the beginning of the article:
Two words: Infinite Oregano.
Killjoy Cooking With the Dungeons & Dragons Crowd
To quote from the beginning of the article:
Cookbooks are a lot like Dungeons & Dragons and other role-playing games. They contain seemingly rigid rules that, in practice, require a certain amount of adaptation for your own tastes.
So how come cooking gets its own TV channel and role-playing games don't even get a show on G4? Maybe the population at large doesn't want to pretend to be a half-elf. Maybe RPGs take more imagination than most people have.
However, it just might have something to do with the role-playing community. If geeks talked about cookbooks the way they talk about RPG books, the results would not be pretty.
Two words: Infinite Oregano.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Cap Lives!
If the following clip is any indication of how Captain America might look on the big screen, count me in!*
*If I understand the context of the clip, the dude fighting the Hulk is a recipient of the government's latest attempt to replicate the Super Soldier Serum.
*If I understand the context of the clip, the dude fighting the Hulk is a recipient of the government's latest attempt to replicate the Super Soldier Serum.
Monday, May 05, 2008
LOTR According to S. Morganstern
Lord Mhoram e-mailed this to me some time ago. I felt the time was right to share. Sorry it's so long, but it's entertaining! -M
--
Is This A Kissing Book?
This is a Lord of the Rings/Princess Bride crossover parody written originally by DeVee 2003–2004, expanded on by Molly J. Ringle (aka MollyRingwraith) and the patrons of her board at livejournal.com – and finally written up by Øystein Bech Gadmar 2005.
The Fellowship of the Ring
Prologue:
PETER JACKSON: Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up:
Dagorlad, 3000 years ago:
SAURON [swipes away a host of soldiers by magic]: I did that on purpose. I didn’t have to miss you.
ISILDUR: I believe you. ... So, what happens now?
SAURON: We face each other as Eru intended; sportsman-like. No tricks, huge weapons, skill against skill alone.
ISILDUR: You mean, you’ll put down your magic and I’ll put down my host, and we’ll try and kill each other like civilized people?
SAURON: I could kill you now?
ISILDUR: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
SAURON: It’s not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don’t even exercise.
SAURON [swings at ISILDUR, but misses]: You’re quick!
ISILDUR: Good thing too.
SAURON [knocks ISILDUR back against a boulder]: I just feared you would give me so much trouble.
ISILDUR: Why is that, do you think?
SAURON: Well, I haven’t fought just one person for so long. ... I’ve been specializing in groups, fighting armies for dominion of Middle-Earth ... that kind of thing.
ISILDUR: Why should that make such a [cuts off SAURON’S ring hand] difference?
SAURON: You see, you use different moves when you’re fighting half a thousand people, then when you only have to worry ... about ... one. [dies]
[...]
ISILDUR: Soldier, are there Orcs ahead?
SOLDIER: If there are, we’ll all be dead!
A torture chamber in Mordor, some time ago:
GOLLUM: So it’s to be torture then? I can cope with torture. Don’t believe me?
ORC: You survived the Dagorlad, you must be very brave, but nobody withstands The Machine.
[...]
ORC: I’ve just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don’t know what that would do to you. So, let’s just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?
GOLLUM: Baggins! Shire!
ORC: Interesting.
Hobbiton, now:
FRODO: Gardener!
SAM: Yes, master Frodo?
FRODO: Come with me to Mordor?
SAM: As you wish.
Isengard:
GANDALF: To the death!
SARUMAN: No! To the pain!
GANDALF: I don’t think I’m quite familiar with that phrase...
SARUMAN: Drop. Your. Staff.
[staff flies through the air]
SARUMAN: Have a seat.
The Inn of the Prancing Pony:
STRIDER: I am waiting for Gandalf! You told me to go back to the beginning, so I have. This is where I am, and this is where I’ll stay. I will not be moved.
[...]
STRIDER: I do not mean to pry, but you don’t by any chance happen to have a Ring of Power on your right hand?
FRODO: Do you always begin conversations this way?
[...]
HOBBITS: Who are you?
STRIDER: No one of consequence.
HOBBITS: We must know.
STRIDER: Get used to disappointment.
HOBBITS: Okay.
Isengard:
SARUMAN: Form a brute squad then! I want Fangorn Forest emptied before I send out the army.
ORC: It won’t be easy, Sire.
SARUMAN: Try ruling Middle-Earth sometime.
Rivendell:
ELROND: Who is he? Another elf like that one? Pretty, rich and fair?
ARWEN: No. A ranger. Poor. Poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea after a storm.
[...]
ELROND: Ewiw jewewly. Ewiw jewewly is what bwings us together today...
ARAGORN: Fellowship! Say Fellowship!
ELROND: I pwonownce you The Fewwowship of the Wing!
ARAGORN: Finally! Boromir, keep an eye on Frodo. Legolas, come with me!
Caradhras:
ARAGORN: Give Frodo back the ring. I mean it!
BOROMIR: Does anybody want a peanut?
LEGOLAS: GAAAH!
Moria:
GANDALF: We’ll reach the gate by dawn. ... Why are you doing that?
FRODO: Making sure nobody’s following us.
GANDALF: That would be inconceivable.
FRODO: Are you sure nobody is following us?
GANDALF: As I told you it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable! No one in Mordor knows what we’ve done, and no one in Isengard could have gotten here so fast.
GANDALF: Out of curiosity, why do you ask?
FRODO: Suddenly, I just happened to look behind us and something is there.
GANDALF: What?! ... Probably some local Riverfolksman … out for a pleasure stroll ... at night ... through goblin-infested caverns!
[...]
ORC: Finish him. Finish him, your way.
CAVE TROLL: Oh good, my way. Thank you, Orc. ... Which one is my way?
ORC: Pick up one of those rocks, get behind a boulder. In a few minutes the hobbit will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in view, hit it with the rock.
CAVE TROLL: My way’s not very sportsmanlike.
[...]
LEGOLAS: I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But for now, rest well and dream of large women.
[...]
GANDALF: I am going to duel the Balrog left-handed.
ARAGORN: You know what a hurry we’re in!
GANDALF: It is the only way that I can be satisfied. Fighting is my right. It’d be over too quickly.
ARAGORN: Oh, have it your way.
Isengard:
SARUMAN [to URUK-HAI]: I’ve hired you to help me start a war. It’s a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.
Parth Galen:
SAM [to himself]: Go on! Get after him!
SAM [drowning]: I don’t swim. I only dog paddle.
FRODO: GAAAH!
FRODO [pulls SAM into his boat]: I suppose you think you’re very brave.
SAM: Only compared to some.
[...]
ARAGORN: There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over.
LEGOLAS: Who won? How did it end?
ARAGORN: One hobbit ran off alone, and the other followed his footprints toward Mordor.
LEGOLAS: Shall we track them?
ARAGORN: They must have seen the orcs closing in, which might account for their panicking into error. Unless I’m wrong, and I’m never wrong, they are headed straight into the Dead Marshes. Only Merry and Pippin can be helped now. Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Isengard! We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.
The Two Towers
Caradhras:
BALROG: You seem like a decent wizard. I hate to kill you.
GANDALF: You seem like a decent Balrog. I hate to die.
[...]
GANDALF: Why won’t my arms move?
GANDALF: I’ve been mostly dead all day.
Emyn Muil:
FRODO: He’s climbing down the cliffside ... and he’s gaining on us!
SAM: Inconceivable! ... Faster!!
[...]
SAM: He’s got very good arms.
FRODO: He didn’t fall? Inconceivable!
SAM: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
GOLLUM: Have you the Wing?
[...]
SAM: Kill him quickly.
FRODO [to GOLLUM]: I would as soon destroy a stained-glass window as a creature like yourself. However, since I can’t have you following me either..
FRODO [to SAM]: Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like.
[...]
GOLLUM: If you’re in such a hurry, you could take this rope off or find something useful to do.
FRODO: I could do that.
SAM: But I do not think we should accept your help, since you are only waiting around to kill us.
FRODO: That does put a damper on our relationship.
GOLLUM: But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach Mordor.
SAM: That’s very comforting, but I’m afraid you’ll just have to wait.
GOLLUM: I hate waiting. I’ll give you my word as one of the River-folk.
SAM: No good. I’ve known too many River-folk.
GOLLUM: Is there not any way you will trust me?
SAM: Nothing comes to mind.
GOLLUM: I swear on the Preciouss. You will reach Mordor alive.
FRODO: Sam, untie the rope.
Riddermark:
PIPPIN: I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where you take us. There is no greater hunter than Aragorn. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you.
URUK-HAI: You think your dearest love will save you?
PIPPIN: I never said he was my dearest love, and yes, he will save me. That I know.
[...]
ARAGORN: A leaf of Lorien. I’d bet my life on it. And there are the Uruk-Hai’s footprints. They’re alive, or were an hour ago. If they are otherwise when I find them, I shall be very put out.
[...]
EOMER: I tell you once again, surrender!
GIMLI: It will not happen.
EOMER: For the last time, surrender!
LEGOLAS and GIMLI: Death first!
ARAGORN: Do you promise not to hurt them?
LEGOLAS and GIMLI: What was that?
ARAGORN: If we surrender, and I introduce you, do you promise not to hurt my friends?
EOMER: May I live a thousand years and never hunt orcs again!
Fangorn Forest:
MERRY: It’s not that bad... Well, I’m not saying I’d like to build a hobbit hole here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.
PIPPIN: We’ll never succeed. We may as well die here.
MERRY: No, no, we have already succeeded! I mean, what are the three terrors of Fangorn Forest? One, the orc that followed us in here. We already lost him. Two, the hobbit-eating trees which you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.
PIPPIN: Merry, what about the T.O.U.S.’s?
MERRY: Treeherders Of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist.
[...]
MERRY: Now, where is that secret knot? It’s impossible to find. [click]
TREEBEARD: Barum!
The Dead Marshes:
GOLLUM: Do you know what that sound is, hobbit? Those are the shrieking Nazgul. If you don’t believe me, just wait! They always grow louder when they’re about to feed on Ringbearer flesh.
Fangorn Forest:
LEGOLAS: A diversion!
ARAGORN: It’s possible, pig. It might be a diversion.
[...]
ARAGORN: Who are you!?
GANDALF: I’m no one to be trifled with. That’s all you ever need know.
ARAGORN: You were dead.
GANDALF: Death cannot stop true wizards. All it can do is delay them for a while.
ARAGORN: I will never doubt again.
GANDALF: There will never be a need.
Edoras:
SARUMAN [through THEODEN]: There’s nothing to explain. You’re trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.
GANDALF: Really! In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wizardry.
SARUMAN [through THEODEN]: For the King? To the exorcism? I accept!
[...]
ARAGORN: You have some skill with a blade.
EOWYN: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro.
ARAGORN: Naturally, but I find that Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro. Don’t you?
[...]
GANDALF: No, I said, "Look to the east on the fifth morning." Rush a miracle man and you get rotten miracles!
Ithilien cave:
FARAMIR: The steward’s stinking eldest son got promoted rather than me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you’re at it, why don’t you give me a nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it.
[...]
GOLLUM/SMEAGOL: You mock my pain!
FARAMIR: Life is pain, creep. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
Rivendell:
ARWEN: Any word of Aragorn?
ELROND: Too soon, my angel. Patience.
ARWEN: He will become king.
ELROND: Of course. [To himself] She will not become mortal!
Merry and Pippin riding Treebeard to Isengard:
MERRY: Pippin, you did something right.
PIPPIN: Don’t worry. I won’t let it go to my head.
Ithilien:
GOLLUM: Good night, hobbitses. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.
The Return of the King
The Flooded Grounds of Isengard:
MERRY: Yeah, Longbottom Leaf is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe. They’re so perky. I love that.
[...]
LEGOLAS: Shall I dispatch Saruman for you?
GANDALF: No. Whatever happens, I want him to live a long life, alone with his cowardice.
Edoras:
PIPPIN: You’re trying to trick me into giving away something. It won’t work.
SAURON: It has worked! You’ve given everything away! I know where the hobbit is!
En Route to The Grey Havens:
VISION: Booooooo! Booooooo! Boooooooo!
ARWEN: Why do you do this?
VISION: Because you had love in your hands and you gave it up! Your true love lives, and you sail off to Valinor! True love saved her from a lonely immortal life, and she treated it like garbage. And that’s what she is, the Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of putrescence! Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo! [ARWEN wakes up]
NARRATOR: It was ten days till they sailed. The king-to-be still lived, but Arwen’s health was becoming steadily worse.
Rivendell:
ARWEN: Ada, reforge the sword of Narsil. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.
ELROND: As you wish.
The Stairs of Cirith Ungol:
GOLLUM: You were supposed to be this legendary manservant, you were this great loyal companion, and yet there are crumbs on your jacket!
SAM [to FRODO]: Well, I’m carrying food for three people, and Gollum’s got only himself.
FRODO: I do not accept excuses! I’m just going to have to find myself a new gardener, that’s all.
SAM: Don’t say that, master Frodo. Please?
FRODO: Did I make it clear that your job is at stake?
Throne Room at Minas Tirith:
FARAMIR: Where does my loyalty lie if not here?
DENETHOR: I can’t afford to make exceptions. I mean, once word leaks out that a steward has gone soft, people begin to disobey him and it’s nothing but work, work, work all the time.
Dunharrow:
ELROND: Aragorn, Arwen is dying.
ARAGORN: She’s immortal. She can’t die.
ELROND: Whoo-hoo-hoo! Look who knows so much, heh? Well, it just so happens that your love here is only mostly immortal. There’s a big difference between mostly immortal and all immortal. Now, mostly immortal is slightly mortal.
[...]
EOWYN [at the entrance to the Paths of the Dead]: You’ll never come out alive!
ARAGORN: Nonsense! You’re only saying that because no one ever has!
[...]
EOWYN: Bye bye, boys!
MERRY: Have fun storming Minas Tirith!
EOWYN [to MERRY]: Think it will work?
MERRY [to EOWYN]: It would take a miracle!
Dwimorberg – The Haunted Mountain:
GHOST KING: I know who you are! You’re Isildur’s heir, admit it!
ARAGORN: With pride. What can I do for you?
GHOST KING: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.
ARAGORN: Tch-tch-tch. You’re hardly complimentary, your Highness.
Tomb in Minas Tirith:
DENETHOR: I am the Dread Steward Denethor. There will be no survivors!
GUARD 1: Now?
GUARD 2: Not yet.
DENETHOR: My men are here. I am here. But soon you will not be here!
GUARD 1: Now?!
GUARD 2: Light him!
DENETHOR: The Dread Steward Denethor takes no survivors. All your worst nightmares are about to come true!
[...]
PIPPIN: Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you?
FARAMIR [shakes head]: You?
Minas Tirith:
WITCH KING: Surrender!
GANDALF: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well then, I accept.
WITCH KING: I give you full marks for bravery. Don’t make yourself a fool.
Outside Minas Tirith:
WITCH KING: Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? You’ve got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It’s going to get you into trouble someday.
EOWYN: Hello. My name is Eowyn. You killed my uncle. Prepare to die!
[...]
EOWYN: I admit it, you are better than I am.
WITCH KING: Then why are you smiling?
EOWYN: Because I know something you don’t know.
WITCH KING: And what is that?
EOWYN: I am not a man!
The Tower of Cirith Ungol:
ORC 1: He’s only mostly dead!
ORC 2: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.
[...]
SAM: I have no Ring.
FRODO: Sam, I’ll tear your arms off.
SAM: Oh, you mean this Ring.
Minas Tirith:
EOMER: What are our liabilities?
ARAGORN: There is but one working gate, and it is guarded by sixty thousand orcs.
EOMER: And our assets?
LEGOLAS: Aragorn’s sword, Gimli’s axe, and my arrows.
EOMER: That’s it? Impossible. If we had a month to plan maybe I could come up with something. But this... I mean, if we only had a host of men, that would be something.
ARAGORN: Where did we put that host of men we had?
EOMER: Why didn’t you list that among our assets in the first place?! Now, what I wouldn’t give for a group of Great Eagles...
GIMLI: A challenge? To the death? I accept!
At The Black Gate:
THE MOUTH OF SAURON: Your hobbit is dead. I killed him myself.
GANDALF: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?
THE MOUTH OF SAURON: He died well. That should please you.
GANDALF: Nothing you can say will upset me. [To ARAGORN] Aragorn, cut his head off.
Mount Doom, After It Erupts:
[Screen goes black]
PETER JACKSON: Frodo and Sam don’t get burned up by the lava.
AUDIENCE: What?
PETER JACKSON: Frodo and Sam don’t get burned up by the lava. I’m explaining to you because you looked nervous.
[Movie continues]
At the Coronation:
AUDIENCE: Is this a kissing book!?
EOWYN: You know, it’s very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long. Now that it’s over, I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life.
FARAMIR: Have you ever considered marriage? You’d make a wonderful Stewardess.
The Grey Havens:
SAM: What is it?
FRODO: Open it up.
SAM: A book?
FRODO: That’s right. When I was your age, adventures were called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my uncle used to write when he was adventuring and I used to write it when I was adventuring ... and today, I’m gonna give it to you.
SAM: Does it got any sports in it?
FRODO: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles.
SAM: It doesn’t sound too bad. I’ll try and stay awake.
FRODO: Oh, well, thank you very much. That's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. Oh. All right: "There and Back Again: A Hobbit’s Tale by Bilbo Baggins." ...
End Credits:
PETER JACKSON: "The End." Now I think you oughta go to sleep.
AUDIENCE: Okay...
PETER JACKSON: All right. Okay, okay, okay. All right. So long.
AUDIENCE: Maybe we could come over and watch it again tomorrow?
PETER JACKSON: As you wish.
--
Is This A Kissing Book?
This is a Lord of the Rings/Princess Bride crossover parody written originally by DeVee 2003–2004, expanded on by Molly J. Ringle (aka MollyRingwraith) and the patrons of her board at livejournal.com – and finally written up by Øystein Bech Gadmar 2005.
The Fellowship of the Ring
Prologue:
PETER JACKSON: Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up:
Dagorlad, 3000 years ago:
SAURON [swipes away a host of soldiers by magic]: I did that on purpose. I didn’t have to miss you.
ISILDUR: I believe you. ... So, what happens now?
SAURON: We face each other as Eru intended; sportsman-like. No tricks, huge weapons, skill against skill alone.
ISILDUR: You mean, you’ll put down your magic and I’ll put down my host, and we’ll try and kill each other like civilized people?
SAURON: I could kill you now?
ISILDUR: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
SAURON: It’s not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don’t even exercise.
SAURON [swings at ISILDUR, but misses]: You’re quick!
ISILDUR: Good thing too.
SAURON [knocks ISILDUR back against a boulder]: I just feared you would give me so much trouble.
ISILDUR: Why is that, do you think?
SAURON: Well, I haven’t fought just one person for so long. ... I’ve been specializing in groups, fighting armies for dominion of Middle-Earth ... that kind of thing.
ISILDUR: Why should that make such a [cuts off SAURON’S ring hand] difference?
SAURON: You see, you use different moves when you’re fighting half a thousand people, then when you only have to worry ... about ... one. [dies]
[...]
ISILDUR: Soldier, are there Orcs ahead?
SOLDIER: If there are, we’ll all be dead!
A torture chamber in Mordor, some time ago:
GOLLUM: So it’s to be torture then? I can cope with torture. Don’t believe me?
ORC: You survived the Dagorlad, you must be very brave, but nobody withstands The Machine.
[...]
ORC: I’ve just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don’t know what that would do to you. So, let’s just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?
GOLLUM: Baggins! Shire!
ORC: Interesting.
Hobbiton, now:
FRODO: Gardener!
SAM: Yes, master Frodo?
FRODO: Come with me to Mordor?
SAM: As you wish.
Isengard:
GANDALF: To the death!
SARUMAN: No! To the pain!
GANDALF: I don’t think I’m quite familiar with that phrase...
SARUMAN: Drop. Your. Staff.
[staff flies through the air]
SARUMAN: Have a seat.
The Inn of the Prancing Pony:
STRIDER: I am waiting for Gandalf! You told me to go back to the beginning, so I have. This is where I am, and this is where I’ll stay. I will not be moved.
[...]
STRIDER: I do not mean to pry, but you don’t by any chance happen to have a Ring of Power on your right hand?
FRODO: Do you always begin conversations this way?
[...]
HOBBITS: Who are you?
STRIDER: No one of consequence.
HOBBITS: We must know.
STRIDER: Get used to disappointment.
HOBBITS: Okay.
Isengard:
SARUMAN: Form a brute squad then! I want Fangorn Forest emptied before I send out the army.
ORC: It won’t be easy, Sire.
SARUMAN: Try ruling Middle-Earth sometime.
Rivendell:
ELROND: Who is he? Another elf like that one? Pretty, rich and fair?
ARWEN: No. A ranger. Poor. Poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea after a storm.
[...]
ELROND: Ewiw jewewly. Ewiw jewewly is what bwings us together today...
ARAGORN: Fellowship! Say Fellowship!
ELROND: I pwonownce you The Fewwowship of the Wing!
ARAGORN: Finally! Boromir, keep an eye on Frodo. Legolas, come with me!
Caradhras:
ARAGORN: Give Frodo back the ring. I mean it!
BOROMIR: Does anybody want a peanut?
LEGOLAS: GAAAH!
Moria:
GANDALF: We’ll reach the gate by dawn. ... Why are you doing that?
FRODO: Making sure nobody’s following us.
GANDALF: That would be inconceivable.
FRODO: Are you sure nobody is following us?
GANDALF: As I told you it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable! No one in Mordor knows what we’ve done, and no one in Isengard could have gotten here so fast.
GANDALF: Out of curiosity, why do you ask?
FRODO: Suddenly, I just happened to look behind us and something is there.
GANDALF: What?! ... Probably some local Riverfolksman … out for a pleasure stroll ... at night ... through goblin-infested caverns!
[...]
ORC: Finish him. Finish him, your way.
CAVE TROLL: Oh good, my way. Thank you, Orc. ... Which one is my way?
ORC: Pick up one of those rocks, get behind a boulder. In a few minutes the hobbit will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in view, hit it with the rock.
CAVE TROLL: My way’s not very sportsmanlike.
[...]
LEGOLAS: I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But for now, rest well and dream of large women.
[...]
GANDALF: I am going to duel the Balrog left-handed.
ARAGORN: You know what a hurry we’re in!
GANDALF: It is the only way that I can be satisfied. Fighting is my right. It’d be over too quickly.
ARAGORN: Oh, have it your way.
Isengard:
SARUMAN [to URUK-HAI]: I’ve hired you to help me start a war. It’s a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.
Parth Galen:
SAM [to himself]: Go on! Get after him!
SAM [drowning]: I don’t swim. I only dog paddle.
FRODO: GAAAH!
FRODO [pulls SAM into his boat]: I suppose you think you’re very brave.
SAM: Only compared to some.
[...]
ARAGORN: There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over.
LEGOLAS: Who won? How did it end?
ARAGORN: One hobbit ran off alone, and the other followed his footprints toward Mordor.
LEGOLAS: Shall we track them?
ARAGORN: They must have seen the orcs closing in, which might account for their panicking into error. Unless I’m wrong, and I’m never wrong, they are headed straight into the Dead Marshes. Only Merry and Pippin can be helped now. Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Isengard! We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.
The Two Towers
Caradhras:
BALROG: You seem like a decent wizard. I hate to kill you.
GANDALF: You seem like a decent Balrog. I hate to die.
[...]
GANDALF: Why won’t my arms move?
GANDALF: I’ve been mostly dead all day.
Emyn Muil:
FRODO: He’s climbing down the cliffside ... and he’s gaining on us!
SAM: Inconceivable! ... Faster!!
[...]
SAM: He’s got very good arms.
FRODO: He didn’t fall? Inconceivable!
SAM: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
GOLLUM: Have you the Wing?
[...]
SAM: Kill him quickly.
FRODO [to GOLLUM]: I would as soon destroy a stained-glass window as a creature like yourself. However, since I can’t have you following me either..
FRODO [to SAM]: Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like.
[...]
GOLLUM: If you’re in such a hurry, you could take this rope off or find something useful to do.
FRODO: I could do that.
SAM: But I do not think we should accept your help, since you are only waiting around to kill us.
FRODO: That does put a damper on our relationship.
GOLLUM: But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach Mordor.
SAM: That’s very comforting, but I’m afraid you’ll just have to wait.
GOLLUM: I hate waiting. I’ll give you my word as one of the River-folk.
SAM: No good. I’ve known too many River-folk.
GOLLUM: Is there not any way you will trust me?
SAM: Nothing comes to mind.
GOLLUM: I swear on the Preciouss. You will reach Mordor alive.
FRODO: Sam, untie the rope.
Riddermark:
PIPPIN: I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where you take us. There is no greater hunter than Aragorn. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you.
URUK-HAI: You think your dearest love will save you?
PIPPIN: I never said he was my dearest love, and yes, he will save me. That I know.
[...]
ARAGORN: A leaf of Lorien. I’d bet my life on it. And there are the Uruk-Hai’s footprints. They’re alive, or were an hour ago. If they are otherwise when I find them, I shall be very put out.
[...]
EOMER: I tell you once again, surrender!
GIMLI: It will not happen.
EOMER: For the last time, surrender!
LEGOLAS and GIMLI: Death first!
ARAGORN: Do you promise not to hurt them?
LEGOLAS and GIMLI: What was that?
ARAGORN: If we surrender, and I introduce you, do you promise not to hurt my friends?
EOMER: May I live a thousand years and never hunt orcs again!
Fangorn Forest:
MERRY: It’s not that bad... Well, I’m not saying I’d like to build a hobbit hole here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.
PIPPIN: We’ll never succeed. We may as well die here.
MERRY: No, no, we have already succeeded! I mean, what are the three terrors of Fangorn Forest? One, the orc that followed us in here. We already lost him. Two, the hobbit-eating trees which you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.
PIPPIN: Merry, what about the T.O.U.S.’s?
MERRY: Treeherders Of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist.
[...]
MERRY: Now, where is that secret knot? It’s impossible to find. [click]
TREEBEARD: Barum!
The Dead Marshes:
GOLLUM: Do you know what that sound is, hobbit? Those are the shrieking Nazgul. If you don’t believe me, just wait! They always grow louder when they’re about to feed on Ringbearer flesh.
Fangorn Forest:
LEGOLAS: A diversion!
ARAGORN: It’s possible, pig. It might be a diversion.
[...]
ARAGORN: Who are you!?
GANDALF: I’m no one to be trifled with. That’s all you ever need know.
ARAGORN: You were dead.
GANDALF: Death cannot stop true wizards. All it can do is delay them for a while.
ARAGORN: I will never doubt again.
GANDALF: There will never be a need.
Edoras:
SARUMAN [through THEODEN]: There’s nothing to explain. You’re trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.
GANDALF: Really! In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wizardry.
SARUMAN [through THEODEN]: For the King? To the exorcism? I accept!
[...]
ARAGORN: You have some skill with a blade.
EOWYN: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro.
ARAGORN: Naturally, but I find that Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro. Don’t you?
[...]
GANDALF: No, I said, "Look to the east on the fifth morning." Rush a miracle man and you get rotten miracles!
Ithilien cave:
FARAMIR: The steward’s stinking eldest son got promoted rather than me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you’re at it, why don’t you give me a nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it.
[...]
GOLLUM/SMEAGOL: You mock my pain!
FARAMIR: Life is pain, creep. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
Rivendell:
ARWEN: Any word of Aragorn?
ELROND: Too soon, my angel. Patience.
ARWEN: He will become king.
ELROND: Of course. [To himself] She will not become mortal!
Merry and Pippin riding Treebeard to Isengard:
MERRY: Pippin, you did something right.
PIPPIN: Don’t worry. I won’t let it go to my head.
Ithilien:
GOLLUM: Good night, hobbitses. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.
The Return of the King
The Flooded Grounds of Isengard:
MERRY: Yeah, Longbottom Leaf is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe. They’re so perky. I love that.
[...]
LEGOLAS: Shall I dispatch Saruman for you?
GANDALF: No. Whatever happens, I want him to live a long life, alone with his cowardice.
Edoras:
PIPPIN: You’re trying to trick me into giving away something. It won’t work.
SAURON: It has worked! You’ve given everything away! I know where the hobbit is!
En Route to The Grey Havens:
VISION: Booooooo! Booooooo! Boooooooo!
ARWEN: Why do you do this?
VISION: Because you had love in your hands and you gave it up! Your true love lives, and you sail off to Valinor! True love saved her from a lonely immortal life, and she treated it like garbage. And that’s what she is, the Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of putrescence! Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo! [ARWEN wakes up]
NARRATOR: It was ten days till they sailed. The king-to-be still lived, but Arwen’s health was becoming steadily worse.
Rivendell:
ARWEN: Ada, reforge the sword of Narsil. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.
ELROND: As you wish.
The Stairs of Cirith Ungol:
GOLLUM: You were supposed to be this legendary manservant, you were this great loyal companion, and yet there are crumbs on your jacket!
SAM [to FRODO]: Well, I’m carrying food for three people, and Gollum’s got only himself.
FRODO: I do not accept excuses! I’m just going to have to find myself a new gardener, that’s all.
SAM: Don’t say that, master Frodo. Please?
FRODO: Did I make it clear that your job is at stake?
Throne Room at Minas Tirith:
FARAMIR: Where does my loyalty lie if not here?
DENETHOR: I can’t afford to make exceptions. I mean, once word leaks out that a steward has gone soft, people begin to disobey him and it’s nothing but work, work, work all the time.
Dunharrow:
ELROND: Aragorn, Arwen is dying.
ARAGORN: She’s immortal. She can’t die.
ELROND: Whoo-hoo-hoo! Look who knows so much, heh? Well, it just so happens that your love here is only mostly immortal. There’s a big difference between mostly immortal and all immortal. Now, mostly immortal is slightly mortal.
[...]
EOWYN [at the entrance to the Paths of the Dead]: You’ll never come out alive!
ARAGORN: Nonsense! You’re only saying that because no one ever has!
[...]
EOWYN: Bye bye, boys!
MERRY: Have fun storming Minas Tirith!
EOWYN [to MERRY]: Think it will work?
MERRY [to EOWYN]: It would take a miracle!
Dwimorberg – The Haunted Mountain:
GHOST KING: I know who you are! You’re Isildur’s heir, admit it!
ARAGORN: With pride. What can I do for you?
GHOST KING: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.
ARAGORN: Tch-tch-tch. You’re hardly complimentary, your Highness.
Tomb in Minas Tirith:
DENETHOR: I am the Dread Steward Denethor. There will be no survivors!
GUARD 1: Now?
GUARD 2: Not yet.
DENETHOR: My men are here. I am here. But soon you will not be here!
GUARD 1: Now?!
GUARD 2: Light him!
DENETHOR: The Dread Steward Denethor takes no survivors. All your worst nightmares are about to come true!
[...]
PIPPIN: Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you?
FARAMIR [shakes head]: You?
Minas Tirith:
WITCH KING: Surrender!
GANDALF: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well then, I accept.
WITCH KING: I give you full marks for bravery. Don’t make yourself a fool.
Outside Minas Tirith:
WITCH KING: Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? You’ve got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It’s going to get you into trouble someday.
EOWYN: Hello. My name is Eowyn. You killed my uncle. Prepare to die!
[...]
EOWYN: I admit it, you are better than I am.
WITCH KING: Then why are you smiling?
EOWYN: Because I know something you don’t know.
WITCH KING: And what is that?
EOWYN: I am not a man!
The Tower of Cirith Ungol:
ORC 1: He’s only mostly dead!
ORC 2: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.
[...]
SAM: I have no Ring.
FRODO: Sam, I’ll tear your arms off.
SAM: Oh, you mean this Ring.
Minas Tirith:
EOMER: What are our liabilities?
ARAGORN: There is but one working gate, and it is guarded by sixty thousand orcs.
EOMER: And our assets?
LEGOLAS: Aragorn’s sword, Gimli’s axe, and my arrows.
EOMER: That’s it? Impossible. If we had a month to plan maybe I could come up with something. But this... I mean, if we only had a host of men, that would be something.
ARAGORN: Where did we put that host of men we had?
EOMER: Why didn’t you list that among our assets in the first place?! Now, what I wouldn’t give for a group of Great Eagles...
GIMLI: A challenge? To the death? I accept!
At The Black Gate:
THE MOUTH OF SAURON: Your hobbit is dead. I killed him myself.
GANDALF: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?
THE MOUTH OF SAURON: He died well. That should please you.
GANDALF: Nothing you can say will upset me. [To ARAGORN] Aragorn, cut his head off.
Mount Doom, After It Erupts:
[Screen goes black]
PETER JACKSON: Frodo and Sam don’t get burned up by the lava.
AUDIENCE: What?
PETER JACKSON: Frodo and Sam don’t get burned up by the lava. I’m explaining to you because you looked nervous.
[Movie continues]
At the Coronation:
AUDIENCE: Is this a kissing book!?
EOWYN: You know, it’s very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long. Now that it’s over, I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life.
FARAMIR: Have you ever considered marriage? You’d make a wonderful Stewardess.
The Grey Havens:
SAM: What is it?
FRODO: Open it up.
SAM: A book?
FRODO: That’s right. When I was your age, adventures were called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my uncle used to write when he was adventuring and I used to write it when I was adventuring ... and today, I’m gonna give it to you.
SAM: Does it got any sports in it?
FRODO: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles.
SAM: It doesn’t sound too bad. I’ll try and stay awake.
FRODO: Oh, well, thank you very much. That's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. Oh. All right: "There and Back Again: A Hobbit’s Tale by Bilbo Baggins." ...
End Credits:
PETER JACKSON: "The End." Now I think you oughta go to sleep.
AUDIENCE: Okay...
PETER JACKSON: All right. Okay, okay, okay. All right. So long.
AUDIENCE: Maybe we could come over and watch it again tomorrow?
PETER JACKSON: As you wish.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Civil War Fallout
This poster is one of several found over at Michael Paciocco's Mind:
What ever happened to the heroic Iron Man we all grew up with, anyway?
What ever happened to the heroic Iron Man we all grew up with, anyway?
Monday, March 24, 2008
Bump
Just something funny I saw in my browsings the other day. Reminded me of how long it's been since I saw Dune:
Brought to you by the fine folks at I Can Has Cheezburger?
Brought to you by the fine folks at I Can Has Cheezburger?
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Wizard's First Rule: TV Edition!
Here's a piece that should interest one of the two people who read Army of Dorkness.
The "Spider-Man" director is teaming with Disney-ABC Domestic Television and ABC Studios on a new first-run, live-action weekly series targeted for a fall launch. The series, titled "Wizard's First Rule," is based on Terry Goodkind's best-selling epic fantasy series "The Sword of Truth."
I've generally enjoyed the Sword of Truth series. There are times when I have some significant ideological differences with the author--his polemic against peace as a form of active resistance come to mind--but, in general, the series is entertaining fantasy fare. The fact that Sam Raimi is involved gives the series at least a chance of being decent.
The "Spider-Man" director is teaming with Disney-ABC Domestic Television and ABC Studios on a new first-run, live-action weekly series targeted for a fall launch. The series, titled "Wizard's First Rule," is based on Terry Goodkind's best-selling epic fantasy series "The Sword of Truth."
I've generally enjoyed the Sword of Truth series. There are times when I have some significant ideological differences with the author--his polemic against peace as a form of active resistance come to mind--but, in general, the series is entertaining fantasy fare. The fact that Sam Raimi is involved gives the series at least a chance of being decent.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Dorknotes
Star Trek Teaser Trailer. So far, so good. I like the whole "Under Construction" theme as it works on many different levels.
Running With the Demon. Having read almost everything published by Terry Brooks--most of his Shannara books tell the same story over, and over, and over . . . and I still love find them hugely entertaining--I decided to give his non-Shannara trilogy a try. And I found the first book absolutely amazing! The mythology is unique, the characters complex (although they could be fleshed out even more--next book, perhaps?), and the storyline engaging.
Tusken Raiders on Mars!
Running With the Demon. Having read almost everything published by Terry Brooks--most of his Shannara books tell the same story over, and over, and over . . . and I still love find them hugely entertaining--I decided to give his non-Shannara trilogy a try. And I found the first book absolutely amazing! The mythology is unique, the characters complex (although they could be fleshed out even more--next book, perhaps?), and the storyline engaging.
Tusken Raiders on Mars!
Monday, January 21, 2008
Relevant Science Fiction?
Relevant Science Fiction.
Debating Fantasy Literature.
Even More Relevant Science Fiction.
Thoughts? Is science fiction/fantasy supposed to be thought provoking, entertaining, or both? Is it supposed to encourage us to think about the human condition or provide an escape?
Debating Fantasy Literature.
Even More Relevant Science Fiction.
Thoughts? Is science fiction/fantasy supposed to be thought provoking, entertaining, or both? Is it supposed to encourage us to think about the human condition or provide an escape?
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Dorknotes
So, I've obviously been a bad blogger when it comes to making posts. As I surf a number science fiction and fantasy websites every single day, I thought I'd try putting together a handful of my favorite stories each week.
Thank goodness all the Cloverfield discussion is about to come to an end. Is anyone else sick of Cloverfield, Cloverfield, and more Cloverfield on all the science fiction sites? Check out the reviews of Cloverfield. Sounds like a lot of people dig this movie. I suspect it's much ado about nothing and will wait for it to come out on DVD.
The Many Looks of the Imperial Stormtrooper. Nice piece that reviews the evolution and many variants of the Empire's front line soldiers.
New animated web series featuring Iron Man. This is one of the best portrayals of shellhead to date. Seriously. Start with the first video: Iron Man's Adventure. A trailer for the upcoming WB Spider-man Animated is also on the same page.
Has the first picture of the new USS Enterprise from the under production Star Trek movie surfaced? Please don't let this movie suck. I'm not thrilled about JJ Abrams going back to the well--I'd prefer something new--but I do like much of his stuff (Alias, Lost, Mission Impossible 3)
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I caught the first couple episodes of this new show and I have to say that it's not bad. It's not brilliant, but I'd rate it as above average. It's certainly better than The Bionic Woman (a show that could have been great, but wasn't). I'm a little worried that the Terminator of the Week formula will get old quick, but I'm going to give the writers the benefit of the doubt and assume they have something else in their bag of tricks.
Thank goodness all the Cloverfield discussion is about to come to an end. Is anyone else sick of Cloverfield, Cloverfield, and more Cloverfield on all the science fiction sites? Check out the reviews of Cloverfield. Sounds like a lot of people dig this movie. I suspect it's much ado about nothing and will wait for it to come out on DVD.
The Many Looks of the Imperial Stormtrooper. Nice piece that reviews the evolution and many variants of the Empire's front line soldiers.
New animated web series featuring Iron Man. This is one of the best portrayals of shellhead to date. Seriously. Start with the first video: Iron Man's Adventure. A trailer for the upcoming WB Spider-man Animated is also on the same page.
Has the first picture of the new USS Enterprise from the under production Star Trek movie surfaced? Please don't let this movie suck. I'm not thrilled about JJ Abrams going back to the well--I'd prefer something new--but I do like much of his stuff (Alias, Lost, Mission Impossible 3)
Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I caught the first couple episodes of this new show and I have to say that it's not bad. It's not brilliant, but I'd rate it as above average. It's certainly better than The Bionic Woman (a show that could have been great, but wasn't). I'm a little worried that the Terminator of the Week formula will get old quick, but I'm going to give the writers the benefit of the doubt and assume they have something else in their bag of tricks.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Sci-Fi's Top 25
Entertainment Weekly just released its list of The Top 25 Sci-Fi Moments of the Past 25 Years. The link leads to #25; you can click from there and see the other 24 entries in sequence. Here's the list in full:
25. V: The Miniseries (1983)
24. Galaxy Quest (1999)
23. Doctor Who (1963-Present)
22. Quantum Leap (1989-1993)
21. Futurama (1999-2003)
20. Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003-2005)
19. Starship Troopers (1997)
18. Heroes (2006-Present)
17. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
16. Total Recall (1990)
15. Firefly / Serenity (2002/2005)
14. Children of Men (2006)
13. The Terminator / Terminator 2 (1984/1991)
12. Back to the Future (1985)
11. Lost (2004-Present)
10. The Thing (1982)
9. Aliens (1986)
8. Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994)
7. E.T. (1982)
6. Brazil (1985)
5. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
4. The X-Files (1993-2002)
3. Blade Runner (1982)
2. Battlestar Galactica (2003-Present)
1. The Matrix (1999)
Naturally, I have comments. First, I'm ashamed to admit that there are six on this list that I haven't seen. (I won't go into detail on which six they are.) As for the other nineteen, well, I have varying opinions on them.
First, he ones on which I disagree. My dislike for Starship Troopers is well-known; I won't rant further on this one. Futurama was okay, but not one of the top 25 sci-fi things of the last 25 years, IMHO. And while Star Trek: The Next Generation was certainly the most influential of the Trek series, most fans will agree that Deep Space Nine was a better series overall.
(Of course, I think Babylon 5 was a better series than any of the Trek. And if you click on the link on The Matrix's page, you can get a list of the most glaring omissions to the list according to EW readers. B5 is second on that list, squeezed neatly between Farscape and Stargate SG-1.)
Now, on to the good stuff. I'm glad that Doctor Who made the list (though I still think Tom Baker was the best Doctor; I'm old school that way). I'm a little surprised that Firefly made it—surprised, but not disappointed. I never really got into X-Files, though I can see why it was so high on the list. And Galaxy Quest should have been ranked higher. It was nothing short of brilliant.
Comments, fellow sci-fi buffs?
25. V: The Miniseries (1983)
24. Galaxy Quest (1999)
23. Doctor Who (1963-Present)
22. Quantum Leap (1989-1993)
21. Futurama (1999-2003)
20. Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003-2005)
19. Starship Troopers (1997)
18. Heroes (2006-Present)
17. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
16. Total Recall (1990)
15. Firefly / Serenity (2002/2005)
14. Children of Men (2006)
13. The Terminator / Terminator 2 (1984/1991)
12. Back to the Future (1985)
11. Lost (2004-Present)
10. The Thing (1982)
9. Aliens (1986)
8. Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994)
7. E.T. (1982)
6. Brazil (1985)
5. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
4. The X-Files (1993-2002)
3. Blade Runner (1982)
2. Battlestar Galactica (2003-Present)
1. The Matrix (1999)
Naturally, I have comments. First, I'm ashamed to admit that there are six on this list that I haven't seen. (I won't go into detail on which six they are.) As for the other nineteen, well, I have varying opinions on them.
First, he ones on which I disagree. My dislike for Starship Troopers is well-known; I won't rant further on this one. Futurama was okay, but not one of the top 25 sci-fi things of the last 25 years, IMHO. And while Star Trek: The Next Generation was certainly the most influential of the Trek series, most fans will agree that Deep Space Nine was a better series overall.
(Of course, I think Babylon 5 was a better series than any of the Trek. And if you click on the link on The Matrix's page, you can get a list of the most glaring omissions to the list according to EW readers. B5 is second on that list, squeezed neatly between Farscape and Stargate SG-1.)
Now, on to the good stuff. I'm glad that Doctor Who made the list (though I still think Tom Baker was the best Doctor; I'm old school that way). I'm a little surprised that Firefly made it—surprised, but not disappointed. I never really got into X-Files, though I can see why it was so high on the list. And Galaxy Quest should have been ranked higher. It was nothing short of brilliant.
Comments, fellow sci-fi buffs?
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